


Meipsum

by Kanekane



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood, Eating, Hallucinations, Kuroneki | Black-haired Kaneki, M/M, Madness, Self-Destruction, Shironeki | White-haired Kaneki, This is not healthy Shiro, This may be inside the canon universe tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 09:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4430048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanekane/pseuds/Kanekane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Embracing the madness and the hallucinations. It was the only way of seeing him, his pure self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meipsum

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is kinda weird, but I really liked the idea... 
> 
> It's unbetaed. I'm sorry.
> 
> The title means "myself".

Living with himself was one of the biggest challenges for Shiro.

He looked in the mirror in the mornings and was fully aware that _it_ was not even close to what the real Kaneki wanted to be.

Comparing the present and the past, the differences were so obvious and exasperating that the white-haired male could feel his entire body shaking, his hands going straight to his hair to pull it (he wanted to feel pain, he wanted to punish himself) and soon he knew that reality, once again, would fade through his fingers.

Another hallucination. Which was somewhat normal by now.

Lying on the bathroom floor, the door locked and without the possibility of Hinami, Banjou, Tsukiyama or anyone come to his rescue, Shiro closed his eyes, opening them seconds later and coming face to face with Hide.

He always appeared. Smiling friendly, asking if he was okay, this time the blond even held out his hand and offered him help to get up, but the half-ghoul knew he was as tangible as a ghost.

“Ah, so you’re looking for him again, aren’t you?” Hide asked, his eyes gently sparkling.

“...Yes... But I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating enough to see him yet…” Shiro said in a low tone as he slowly raised, staying in a sitting position and leaning against the wall.

“Yeah... To be honest, I can’t see him, but there’s an awful bloodstain in the wall so, don’t look,” the blond said as he sat down too, looking at nowhere.

During some time, both were silent.

Shiro was carried away by the madness crawling up his spine, circulating in his blood and contaminating his brain; he knew he was decaying, he knew that giving in to the hallucinations was too dangerous and was only taking away the little self-control he still had, but... It was the only way to see him.

His pure self.

The Kaneki with raven hair and sweet smile, who could calm him down even though he was no more than a product of his instable mind.

The white-haired male looked at his own hands, seeing the black nails and noticing how his fingers started to root.

It wasn’t real, a part of his mind knew it, but Shiro ignored it and buried himself in the images that his damaged brain was showing him.

He sighed, leaning his head back until it touched the wall.

To his right, the opposite side where Hide was, he could hear that horrendous sound; the pliers yanking his own flesh.

_What’s 1000-7?_

He cracked his finger, a broken smile adorning his face.

“Hey man, it’s getting pretty dark here…”

At this, Shiro looked to Hide, noticing that yes, they weren’t in the bathroom anymore, but in that room with white and black floor.

The half-ghoul watched as his friend got up, getting rid of the dust on his clothes and stretching.

“This place again?” He was smiling, but it seemed a bit forced. “C’mon, let’s look for him, then.”

The white-haired male agreed, following Hide steps while they ventured in the room that seemed endless, their shoes echoing through the dim place.

“Ah, it’s getting harder and harder, isn’t it?”

Shiro eyed his friend, but didn’t say anything; he’d noticed it too: the things he was seeing were only getting worse, more frightening, but it seemed to scare his other self away. Kaneki was nowhere to be seen.

“Don’t worry though, we’ll find Kaneki!”

They continued walking for what seemed like ages, the darkness dancing around Shiro’s vision, trying to close around him.

Everything was just an illusion, nothing was real, his past self was nothing more than memories, and yet Shiro saw himself quickening his pace, trying to find that bright, safe place where he knew Kaneki was.

Suddenly, when the half-ghoul was finally feeling hope, as he could tell Kaneki was nearby, a sound caught his attention.

It resembled a knock. A constant, irritating knock.

The white-haired male stopped, looking around and trying to find the source of that annoying noise. 

“Ah,” Hide caught his attention. “Time is up…”

“What do you mean? What--“

And the whole place started to _melt_.

The floor, the walls, Hide, everything just turned into a big mass of black, and the knocking, it seemed to be digging up a whole into his brain.

_The sound of a living centipede in his ear._

“Kaneki-kun? Is everything all right? Kaneki-kun, I’ll break the door if you don’t answer!”

Tsukiyama.

The half-ghoul groaned and pressed a hand against the left side of his face, feeling like his kakugan had activated. 

He was in the bathroom again.

There was no bloodstain on the wall, no Hide sitting by his side, more than that, he’d wasted the possibility of finding his other self.

He was back to reality. 

“Kaneki-kun? Kaneki-kun, please--“ Tsukiyama jumped a little when the door opened, reveling the white-haired male. He seemed tired, the bags under his eyes even more accentuated; it was pitiful. “Do you need something?”

“No… I’m going out,” The half-ghoul announced, taking some steps toward the exit. “I need to eat.”

“But Kaneki-kun, you already did it. Yesterday.” 

The white-haired male, though, didn’t stop his actions, grabbing his mask, putting a coat and shoes on.

He knew it was dangerous, hunting and eating other ghouls. It took away his sanity, but it made him stronger, it also served as a training but, above all, it made the hallucinations more common.

He needed to eat, so maybe he could find that last piece of hope inside himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, this fic is one of my headcanons. Hope someone liked it! 
> 
> I was thinking about writing a long Kanekane fic, but I'm not sure if I could...


End file.
